PUNSXSUTAWNEY, Pa. — Punxsutawney Phil Sowerby, the official “Groundhog Day” groundhog was declared dead at 6:28 am, this morning. Authorities say the furry creature took his own life by overdosing on a mixture of nuts, insects and dandelion greens.
“We didn’t see this coming,” said Zak Lantz, editor of the Punxsutawney Spirit newspaper. “Year after year we’ve stood in the cold waiting for this little marmot to emerge. It was a Punxsutawney tradition,” Lantz commented, wiping a single tear from his cheek.
Every February 2nd the winter holiday we know as “Groundhog Day” is celebrated in Punxsutawney, Jefferson County, 80 miles northeast of Pittsburgh. The festivities include a pancake breakfast, the local mayor officiating several marriage ceremonies, and of course, Punxsutawney Phil and his shadow predicting 6 more weeks of winter or spring.
“He was an excellent digger. I guess this time he just dug himself too deep,” said mayor, Jim Wehrle.
Phyllis, Punxsutawney Phil’s wife, had little to say regarding the news. When questioned, she softly barked and ground her teeth.
Although a day of mourning for many, Phil’s death raises a vital question: How will we know whether or not 6 more weeks of winter is upon us?”
Newslo spoke to seasoned weatherman, Al Roker, to get the scoop.
“It’s pretty obvious Phil was making a statement,” Roker said, while jogging and chewing on a protein bar simultaneously. “He’s telling us we don’t need him to predict for us anymore – global warming is upon us.”
This new development in global warming has heated up the political climate. Republicans claim the creature’s death is a conspiracy, mastered by the maleficent puppeteer we know as “Barack Obama”. Until photographic proof of Phil’s death surfaces, Republicans encourage US civilians to shelter their loved ones, speak on secure phone lines only, and watch their shadows closely.