AKRON, Ala. — Protesting Obama’s reelection and what they view as government’s intrusion into their personal freedom, members of the Akron City Republican Committee today announced their intention spread the debilitating STD known as Syphilis amongst themselves.
“That black fella and his commie ways are gonna bankrupt this great Christian Nation,” said Committee President Randall Brumfield. “So we’re makin’ a line in the sand that says no more! He can’t force his OcommieCare down our throats! Nobody forces anything down our throats! ‘Cept maybe Al when he’s had a few. He’s a big guy and hard to say no to.”
According to Brumfield, the plan is to spread the STD to every member of the Akron City Republican Committee, in an effort to fill up emergency rooms in the greater Akron area, costing taxpayers thousands of dollars in health care costs. “That’ll show them Blue Staters!” Brumfield exclaimed.
The plan is the brainchild of Akron resident Harvey Dagnall, who came up with the idea while attending a Chewing Gum Convention in Atlanta, Georgia.
“I knew something was up when he came home, but he kept it to himself at first,” recalls Dagnall’s wife, Edith. “When the first sores started showing up on his pecker a couple a weeks later, he told me his plan and I ’bout flipped for it. Take that, Mr. Kenya!”
Mrs. Dagnall joined the protest a week later and quickly convinced Harvey to bring it to the group. The idea caught on right away. Lifelong Republican Emmitt Drawls was one of the first to join the movement. “Ah Hell, I already got me some nasty bumps, so I figured, sign me up! I’m protestin’!”
A few members of the committee have proved less than enthusiastic to the idea, but by and large, Dagnall’s brainchild has spread like an infectious disease run rampant amongst an ignorant and unsuspecting population.
“This thing’s got real legs,” says Brumfield. “Some folks is climbing on board the bandwagon before we even pitch them the idea. Harvey’s real persuasive.”
The protest has drawn limited attention outside of the close-knit community, but word did reach Alabama Republican Senator Jeff Sessions, who released the following statement: “I salute these brave patriots for their courageous stand against the ruination of the American Dream. These people are models for citizens in action, and we would do well to emulate their efforts. Symbolically. we should also probably stay away from Akron for a while.”