TULSA, Okla. — Republican Senator James Inhofe spoke out today against the scientific theory of gravity and what he called “secular extremists taking God out physics,” calling for an investigation into the infiltration of “pagan gravitationists” within the Federal Government.
“These people hate God, and are forcing their radical, non-Christian views on your children!” Warned Inhofe at a hastily-called press conference at the First Evangelical Church of Jesus Christ Our Savior. “This so-called ‘theory of gravity’ is nothing less than the second greatest hoax scientists have ever pulled on the good people of Oklahoma. The first, of course, being global warming. Or evolution. I forget which.”
Inhofe demanded that schools begin “teaching the controversy” with regards to gravity. “Allow both sides of this debate equal time in the classroom and let the children decide. It’s the American way.”
The senator then announced that he would be proposing new legislation which would require textbooks to include alternate explanations for why we don’t just drift off into space willy-nilly to be included in mandated curriculum. “If liberals want their kids to hear about fringe, unproven concepts like gravity or evolution or math, they can start their own darn schools!”
With Senator Inhofe at the press conference was Gus Hornsby, family man, farmer, and part-time pastor at the newly-formed Church Of The Unholy Inhale in nearby Sapulpa, Oklahoma. “Scientists want to teach your children that gravity is nothing more than two particles of matter attracting one another with a force directly proportional to the product of their masses and inversely proportional to the square of the distance between them!” he cried out, grabbing the microphone out of Inhofe’s hands. “That’s a load of horsepucky! The Good Book teaches us that we remain glued to the Earth’s surface because Satan is forever sucking in his breath, pulling us closer and closer to the fires of Hell below. It is only by the grace of God that He chose to cover the molten core of Earth with a crust, thereby creating a layer of salvation between His children and eternal damnation.”
Hornsby then launched into a sermon damning basements, below-ground swimming pools, and deep, open pits while Inhofe smiled and nodded.